Funny Lines: Laugh and Learn
A Collection: No 1001-1050
Edited by Jeenn Lee Hsieh
OWL Online Writing Lab.
essay3663@hotmail.com
分居赡养费判决--
Judge: "Well, sir. I have reviewed this case and I have decided to give your wife $700 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your Honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
治疗失眠症--
Doctor: "Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?"
Patient: "Yes, I got as far as 28,658 and then it was time to get up."
脸如马长面带愁容--
A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, "Why the long face?"
睡觉中驾驶出车祸--
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like other passengers in his car.
1001>
A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, 75% desperation.
1002>
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
1003>
1003>
A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.
1004>
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
1005>
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
1006>
People who snore always fall asleep first.
1007>
You can do anything, but not everything.
1008>
I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.
1009>
Why 'abbreviation' is such a long word?
1010>
A rich man's joke is always funny.
1011>
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I lost two weeks.
1012>
Laugh at your problems. Everyone else does.
1013>
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
1014>
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
1015>
You are never too old to learn something stupid.
1016>
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
1017>
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1018>
By the time you can make your ends meet, they move the ends.
1019>
Women like silent men, they think they are listening.
1020>
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
1021>
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
1022>
I used to be indecisive. But now I am not sure.
1023>
Anger is one letter short of anger.
1024>
One death is one too many.
1025>
Here, officer, hold my beer while I find my license.
1026>
My job is secure. Nobody wants it.
1027>
Money is the root of all wealth. (evils?)
1028>
Do not judge a book by its movie. (cover?)
1029>
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
1030>
I started with nothing and I still have most of it.
1031>
Chaos, panic, disorder--my work here is done.
1032>
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
1033>
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
1034>
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
1035>
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many persons is research.
1036>
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
1037>
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.
1038>
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing right.
1039>
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He will not expect it back.
1040>
Death is hereditary.
1041>
Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.
1042>
Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.
1043>
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
1044>
Why go to university? There is Google.
1045>
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
1046>
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
1047>
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
1048>
If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.
1049>
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
1050>
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.